Gotta let them grow…

Controlling, stifling, and over protective …
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I’ve been these things throughout all of my adult life and “grown-up” acting relationships. And honestly speaking, there is some comfort in “managing” the actions of others. Pigeon-holing others does eliminate some surprises and can create a more cohesive partnership … as one sided-as it may be, I know what’s best for everyone. I did foolishly believe that. (don’t laugh)

I was never so naive to think that resentment was avoidable under these conditions, but convinced that that would be an acceptable risk. And for the many lost love affairs because of my convictions — they were collateral damage.

Now fast-forward to the person I am today:
A divorcing dad of two preteen girls ages nine and eleven. (shit!)

Boy oh boy does my position change.

Disclaimer: I wasn’t a “Bad” guy towards women.
What that really means: “as long as they did what I asked, how and when I asked!” … lol

I would be deeply disapointed in myself if I did not prepare them to dismiss individuals, male or female preaching that same type of bullshit. My baby-mama and my current S.O. have witnessed me on my soap box many times speaking on this very issue. “I’m not raising any lazy-ass or weak minded girls. (more on lazy in a later post)

After my ranting on this topic, both women have asked me the same question,
“What are you doing to prepare them?”
me: (confused) Huh?
and again with a smirk on their face- “What are you doing to prepare them?”
me: Now, with some composure returned, “I tell them everyday to be leaders in this world and stand by your decisions (I’m feeling good about my answer right about now!)

This very quick dialogue would push the ex and me into some deep disagreement and until recently I didn’t understand why. The S.O. simply smirked. What did she know, how dare she be so judgemental-ish. But she did know something, she has witnessed things that only someone close to me and my household (like an ex), would know.

After a recent stay with us the S.O. may have lost some of her patience with me. In a not-so-nice and not-so-understanding tone she approaches me with this: “Why do they have to ask me if they can eat and drink?” That knocked me off a step or two. Let me qualify this with, the S.O. is a mother of young girls ages 9 and 4, so she has a great relationship with them both.

Now it never “really” dawned on me that my daughters are old enough to know when they are hungry or thirsty. They should not have to get permission to drink water or to eat dinner. Okay I admit some ignorance on my part, but more than that, it contributed to my need to control.

If I hinder them from making decisions as simple as those in their own home how am I preparing them for the real world? When do they develop the confidence that is ever so necessary in this world?

I’ve since noticed that they are too comfortable with asking my direction on almost everything, except what to wear – daddy doesn’t know what’s hot and what’s not! Why should I have to determine which chores or what subject to do first for homework? I shouldn’t. But this is the dependence I have shown them.

I am turning these girls into the women that I have taken advantage of over and over again. No more! I have to stop telling myself that I can save them from everything. This is the time that they should learn from their mistakes, not at ages 25, 30 and 35. Goodness knows what I had women thinking and doing because they were easily swayed with just a few words and empty promises.

Independence starts at home.

I am making a conscience effort to hold back on reacting so quickly and invoking my will. The girls are becoming more decisive and steadfast with their choices. Also, I’ve witnessed that they are capable of making the “right” choice more times than not. Maybe by the end of the Summer I’ll let them choose their color toothbrushes 🙂 .. lol

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~ by blkirish on March 4, 2008.

One Response to “Gotta let them grow…”

  1. Bravo, bravo, bravo!!!!!!!!!!

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