Cut List

Okay honey you can add this behemoth chick to your cut list. I happily nominate her. I don’t know her name but why should that stop you.

On this four and a half hour flight from Atlanta to L.A. I’m being stalked. I didn’t think much of the “subtle” head nod and smile she offered as I took possession of an entire row of seats immediately across from her but maybe I should have.

This is a long flight from coast to coast and real estate is valuable, so I wasn’t about to move to a shared space. I lucked up on this seat sort of … if you ignore the Spanish lady with two kids in her lap screaming both under two years old. But maybe I should have.

Especially, after it was obvious that I wasn’t going to get any sleep.
As soon as the pilot turned off the seatbelt light I kicked off my shoes and put my legs up to get comfortable for the ride. FYI, this is a benefit for those of us that are vertically challenged with short legs.

A quick look across the aisle and guess who has all thirty-two

So I plug into the XM radio provided by AssTrain, tucked my head in my hoody and closed my eyes. To get more comfortable I loosened my belt and unzipped my jeans. This was okay because I had my sweatshirt covering my goodies.

After a minute or so I did it. I peeked out from under my shelter and at that very same moment behemoth decided to put her club kegs up too facing out at me. Shit! The sight of seeing her struggle in that pleated Mormon long beige skirt twisting her ass up made me cringe.
She never stopped smiling in my direction. I’m worried …

It dawns on me that maybe she’s smiling at me is because I’m smiling back at her … then I begin to kick my silly ass for not controlling my southern upbringing. It’s natural for me to return a cordial smile with one of my own. Could my bright warm polite smile be misleading this woman?

Perhaps it’s not her fault for misinterpreting the radiance I share when I smile. Poor girl! Lookie here — here come the drinks, cranberry juice for me please. Vodka and cranberry for her. I knew it, she grins like a devil in my direction no doubt noticing that I was paying attention to her airline shot bottles. Why did she just raise her eyebrows?
gesturing for me to order one myself? Hell no — she was excited because the pretzels just arrived.

Not that I’m counting but that’s one … two … three tiny bottles of spirit behemoth has consumed with a fourth she slid in her purse a minute earlier. Now when she glances my way her mouth is hanging extra-wide open.

I’m being very careful not to meet eyes with her. I don’t want her to strike up a conversation.

Hold up a sec … she’s dozing off. She’s very peaceful in her inebriated stupor. I should take a picture while the bear sleeps. Shit this damn
flash was bright as hell … I’m scared to look up, I may have blinded others on the plane oops my bad. Okay the flash didn’t bother her. That was a close call.

WTF … I snore. I mean I really snore, but I have no idea what is coming out of her right now. She’s caused the babies to start crying again. Please don’t shoot that’s not a bear … that’s my drunk stalker!

I’m hating on this chick because she’s sleeping. Happily at that! Let me take a break here and see if I can catch up with my ZZZZZs.
They might shoot both of us back here when I start my contribution to the snoring duet.

I’ll write more when I wake up or in just a minute if I can’t sleep. I just had a vision of waking up with her big ass standing over me. Blood shot eyes and dry spit on the side of her mouth. Before I settle in I’m zipping my pants and closing up my belt. I’d be too embarrassed to file a sexual assault claim with the airline because I was fondled in my sleep on a plane.

Three hours later we begin to descend as I wipe the crust from my eye corners.

My dignity appears to be intact.

~~ Clever people will recognize and tolerate nothing but cleverness.~~ Henri Frederic Amiel


~ by blkirish on April 1, 2008.

2 Responses to “Cut List”

  1. Dear…You were the stalker here, not the stalkee. Just admit it: You wanted her. It’s okay. We all have our fantasies. I had a serious jones back in the day for Al Roker, before he got all skinny.

  2. ‘fraid not Princess you should have seen her beady little eyes scoping me out…

    DID YOU KNOW? – Al Roker first had his gall bladder removed to lose weigt and then he decided on the gastric bypass once he gained all of that weight back and more.

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